Caught in the Act!

We look to our dreams to help us live life more consciously. Carl Jung said, "The Unconscious is really unconscious!" My ego wants to argue with Jung, "What do you mean? You say we live much of life unconsciously but I consciously choose to get myself to Writing Group on Monday afternoons. I am conscious of holding a pen in my right hand as I write. I am conscious of dark chocolate melting in my mouth as I pause and relish that sensation before I finish this sentence. How can you say that I am living my life unconsciously?"

It is more complicated than that. I know this concept is a difficult one to digest. There are some behaviors we all perform unconsciously, usually out of habit. Take the example of the person driving a car daily as she/he commutes to work. Then, having arrived at work, has no memory of the drive. In amazement they wonder, "How could that happen? I don't remember getting here!" Another example: I mechanically go through the motions of making coffee every morning while I consciously think about what's ahead for the day. At night, I unconsciously brush my teeth, wash my face, apply moisturizer, and turn on the CD player before I get in bed. I don't have to think about what I am doing. I have memorized the routine. I may get in bed and wonder, "Did I turn on the CD player or not? Did I turn down the furnace for the night? Did I lock the door to the garage? Did I take my supplements?" Unless I make a conscious effort to acknowledge what I am doing as I do it, I cannot answer those questions. You have probably identified such habitual behaviors in your own life.

My Father provided me with a perfect example of what Jung was talking about, though he was never conscious of having done so. The setting for the story is Pocatello, Idaho around 1974-75. I am driving with my four children in a four-door silver-grey Buick. My teen-age kids are taking Driver's Education classes in the summer. Every summer, someone was taking Driver's Ed. Each child, in turn, becomes quite conscious of all aspects of driving a car. With their new awareness, they feel free to confidently point out any flaws in my driving habits. One of them spoke up impatiently, "Mom, you drive just like Grandpa!" I knew from the tone of voice that this statement was not a compliment. The other three chimed in, "Yeah Mom. You drive like Grandpa! Grandpa drives in spurts!"

I had no idea what they were talking about or what I had done. What had they observed in my father's driving behavior? So I asked, "What do you mean when you say he drives in spurts?" Collectively, they tried to explain their conscious awareness. "He lifts his foot off the gas just a little bit and then lets the car coast along for a while. Then he presses down on the accelerator ever so gently and the car spurts ahead. Now you're doing it Mom! You just did it again!"

'' I did not!" I declared. They would not back down. Since all four kids were reinforcing the original declaration, I decided I would pay close attention the next time I was in a car with my father. I had that opportunity when my parents drove from Davenport, Iowa to Idaho for their annual summer vacation in the Intermountain West. I said nothing about my research project , but I made sure that I had a chance to be alone in the car with my father when he was driving on the highway. I paid close attention to the movement of the car now that I knew what to look for. Sure enough, Daddy was driving in spurts! Subtle, gentle spurts as if he had to slow down a little bit to see what was ahead before actually deciding to move on down the road. Chances are, I was first exposed to this pattern as a new born infant on the drive from Mercy Hospital to our old farmhouse on West Locust Street. I was so accustomed to the gentle rhythm of the car's subtle surge forward that I was totally unconscious of the pattern. One of my favorite activities as a child was to go for a ride with my parents and my sisters and fall asleep in the car. I felt safe and comforted, as if I were being rocked to sleep.

Once I experienced this pattern consciously, I knew what to look for in my own driving behavior. It didn't seem to be a problem when driving in town but when I was on a highway I discovered that I too, was driving in spurts! Finally conscious of what I had been doing unconsciously all of my driving life, I could begin to consciously change my behavior. Sounds simple doesn't it? It is not simple at all. Changing unconscious behavior requires uncompromising focus and attention: first to catch myself performing the behavior and then remembering to change to a new pattern.

The story doesn't end there. Ten or eleven years later, after driving with Herb from Lincoln to Davenport, Iowa, I drove into town to meet my Dad for coffee at his favorite restaurant. I was already seated when he walked into the dining room. I could tell from the tension in his body, his clenched fists, and the pace of his walk that he was upset. He slid into the bench opposite me as his arms and hands slapped the table top. "I am so upset!" he declared. Of course I asked, "What happened?" He told me the story. "Elmer and some other fellows rode with me to a meeting last night in Burlington. Everything seemed to be okay as we talked during the long drive there. And of course, we got home really late last night. He barged into the office this afternoon and he was angry. He said, 'Irwin, I am never going to go anywhere with you again!' I was shocked. We've been good friends for years. I said, 'Why do you say that?' Elmer yelled, 'Because you drive in spurts and it drives me crazy!'" Then my Father looked me right in the eye and said defiantly, "I don't drive in spurts!" I could have said, "Yes you do." Knowing my Father, I chose not to. He died a few years later, never conscious of this pattern of behavior which had probably been with him since he, as a fourteen year old, taught himself to drive without parental permission or guidance.

Nothing drastic happened as a result of the pattern of unconscious behavior which I have just described; however, living life unconsciously may have a debilitating and limiting impact on one's mental and physical health. For example, consider the individual who has blocked the memory of childhood sexual abuse and is living a life of obsession with cleanliness. "I probably wash my hands a hundred times a day" is calmly stated as if describing quite normal behavior. Yet, she still feels unclean, dirty, unacceptable and even sinful and is convinced that God will reject her as one who cannot be redeemed. By facing the truth of childhood trauma, the victim will then be free to reframe her self-talk and choose to modify behavior accordingly. Stating the problem is the easy part, working through the trauma and behavior change requires a nurturing, patient, caring therapist and years of therapy. When the time is right, the wisdom in dreams will call the individual to the task and support her efforts as she faces the challenge. The good news is that there is redemption in living life consciously.

Take for example, the man whose mother died when he was three years old. Having grown to adulthood without the love and nurture provided by a mother figure firmly grounded in the positive qualities of the feminine function, he is inadequately prepared for participation in the world of relationships. He marries a woman who will be a good mother and is obsessed with and enticed by youthful, flighty, manipulative women who capture his Anima projection. His own immature feminine side is reflected in the objects of his obsession. Thus, his life is out of control and he risks everything because of his unconsciously driven behavior. This reality is played out in his dreams, hopefully he becomes aware that he is on the verge of disaster and asks for help. Understanding frees him from compulsion and he is then consciously, emotionally available to his wife and children. (My analysis of Dr. Josef Bruer in the movie When Nietzsche Wept.)

For a third example, I am going to describe a woman I observed at a coffee shop last Friday night. You could not be in the same room with her without noticing. She obviously knew the musicians and singers in the band providing live music. They were on center stage in the main room while some of us sat at tables in the back room at MoJava. She is a small, petite pretty woman dressed in eye-catching, colorful clothing. She forces herself to smile always, moves her body to the rhythm of the music in exaggerated fashion, sometimes standing and acting out the words of the song with her body. Between songs, her voice is the one heard over the other five people at her table. Her laugh is the loudest. And she never stops! It is as if she is saying with her behavior, "If I can't be on center stage, I'll make sure everyone knows I am here." If I had observed the same behavior in one of my teen-age granddaughters, I might have thought, "How cute!" but this woman was probably close to 50 years old. Is she saying with her behavior, "I only have worth if someone is paying attention to me?" Possibly, the behavioral statement is just the opposite, "I feel worthless unless someone is paying attention to me." Chances are, she is unconscious of why she behaves as she does and if confronted would simply say, "I'm just having a good time. What's wrong with that?"

Each individual has his/her own unconscious behaviors: some benign, some problematic, some tragic. The woman who is such a good care-taker and cannot stop in order to care for herself thinks the problem is with others in her world who do not take care of her. She is saying to her counselor, "When is it my turn?" The workaholic can't slow down because he is the only one on the job who knows how to do it right. He is thinking, "What's wrong with her/him? Why don't they step up to the plate and give me a break? Is it all up to me?" He's also afraid he would have to give up control if he left the job to someone else. What if he feels worthless if everything isn't perfect? What if he feels worthless if he is not in control? What if he is on the edge of 'burn-out'? Intervention is needed. Hopefully, each individual has the necessary ego strength to consciously examine his/her unconsciously driven life.

How do we know when our unconscious behaviors have become a problem? Hopefully we discern the message in our dreams, intuition and physical symptoms before we get feedback from family, friends and co-workers. Ultimately, the body will say 'NO'! We want to be aware and open to consciously intervening on our own behalf before that happens.

Thirty-five years after the confrontation with my children, I still shift into observation mode when I am driving on the highway. I want to confirm for myself that I have not slipped back into that old unconscious pattern.