What I Know For Sure (so far)

(The introduction to this collection of concepts is contained in the introduction to my website.)

GOD IS THE ONLY ABSOLUTE

whether you believe or not

There are many and varied definitions of ABSOLUTE.

In the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (1973)

we find these words:

perfect in quality or nature

complete

not limited by restriction or exceptions

unconditional

total

not to be doubted or questioned

positive

certain

final

ultimate basis of all thought and being

This introductory statement has become the foundation of my belief system. I did not come to this awareness easily. I remember a particular day in the summer of 1981. It was our first summer in Lincoln. Mark and Bruce were home for the summer. They were both enrolled at the University of Idaho in Moscow, ID. I was terrified, knowing that both of them had been assigned the job of tearing off the roof of an old abandoned two-story building owned by the company employing them for a few months. We had a big rain storm the night before so I knew the roof would be wet. I have always felt extremely anxious when a loved one was working on a roof. It did not happen often, but when it did, I was in a state of panic. I had to remove myself from the house or the area where the work was taking place in order to maintain any sense of sanity. Even then, I was holding my breath until the job was done.

They left for work after an early breakfast and the panic set in. Herb was confident that all would go well, so I had to worry for both of us. I reviewed every past experience where someone was working on a roof and survived. I hoped this would calm my mind but I would not be reassured. I was flooded with Images of every possible negative outcome. A broken back or two, as the bodies of my beloved sons fell to the ground. Paralysis. Life confined to a wheel chair. Death. I prayed desperately for God to keep them safe and whole. I visualized each son surrounded by God's love and protection. But I was still holding my breath and pleading with God. They would not be home for 8-9 hours if they made it home! I wondered if I would make it through the day!

I knew I had to turn my fears and images of disaster over to God. I knew better than to put conditions on God. It did not help to say, “Thank you for hearing my prayer.” (But I was holding my breath and viewing negative outcomes in my mind’s eye.) I struggled with the words forming in my mind because I desperately wanted to control the outcome. Finally, I allowed words to come: "In life or death, Mark and Bruce are in God's hands." I kept myself sane and breathing, holding an image of each of them safe in God's hands. The panic began to subside and I made it through the rest of the day. When they came home at the end of a day of adventure and hard work, I took a deep breath followed by, "Thank you God for hearing my prayer."

Life is a precious gift. Life is fragile. Accidents happen. We lose loved ones, friends, jobs, financial security, health and in the end, everyone and everything experienced and acquired in a life time. God is with us through the good times and the difficulties. When I wonder how life can possibly go on after a loss, I come back eventually to knowing with conviction, "God is the only Absolute. In life and death, we are in His hands." We are never alone.

* * *

We live in two worlds:

the world of SPIRIT and the world of MATTER.

REPEAT AFTER ME:

I AM A SPIRITUAL BEING.

MY SOUL IS ETERNAL.

I am blessed with this opportunity to experience life as a physical being!

I EMBRACE MY LIFE AS A GIFT FROM GOD.

* * *

There is WISDOM at work in each of us

which knows more than we consciously know.

We call this inner wisdom

GOD, HOLY SPIRIT, JESUS, FRIEND, ALLY.

We come into this world with an intention, a purpose, a goal, a challenge.

INNER WISDOM leads, directs, and sometimes pushes us

in the direction of our individual soul mission.

INNER WISDOM

speaks to us in a variety of ways:

DREAMS, INTUITIONS, A SENSE OF KNOWING

A FEELING IN THE GUT--

an inner voice speaks proclaiming:

"I am going to be a writer when I grow up!"

A song from the musical South Pacific,

played in my head the very moment I laid eyes on Herb Lingren for the first time:

"Some enchanted evening,

you will see a stranger

across a crowded room,

and somehow you know,

you know even then,

you will see him again and again."

(We were married 11 months later)

As I was falling asleep one night in November 1974,

A deep male voice proclaimed: "If you drive to Twin Falls in December, you will be killed on the highway!"

My job with the Child Development Associate Project at Idaho State University required of me that I go to Twin Falls in December. The voice of Inner Wisdom did not say, "If you go to Twin Falls . . ." Herb tried to convince me that I should challenge that voice by driving to Twin Falls and proving the prediction wrong. After all, he was a scientist and there was no scientific proof that an inner voice had any validity in the real world. I could not drive to Twin Falls even though I tried to talk myself into doing so. Reluctantly, Herb drove me to American Falls to meet Penny, a co-worker on the CDA Project. She drove the two of us to Twin Falls for our meetings and back to American Falls the next day in a blinding snowstorm. Herb met me there and we drove back to Pocatello in a blizzard!

Learn to listen to DIVINE WISDOM!

Record your dreams and talk to someone about them.

Pay attention to hunches, sensations, gut feelings and

inner voices.and visions.

Check out the information received.

Talk it over with a trusted other.

Develop the capacity for discernment.

Learn to TRUST YOUR SELF.

When your body says, "NO!"

honor the wisdom of your body,

before your body or the circumstances of your life

say "NO!" for you.

* * *

WORTH IS GIVEN BY GOD, THE CREATOR, THE UNIVERSE--

Worth cannot be earned, only accepted as a gift.

We call this GRACE. According to Alfred Adler,

we all come into the world, look around at the situation we're in

and try to figure out how to earn or achieve worth.

Examples include:

"I only have worth if someone is paying attention to me."

"I only have worth if I am first or best."

"I only have worth if I am in control."

"I only have worth If I please others."

"I only have worth if I am taking care of others."

"I only have worth if I am right."

The problem is, if I am not able to earn worth, I feel

WORTHLESS!

So I try harder to earn worth

in the only way that makes sense to me

because I cannot tolerate feeling worthless:

inferior

out of control

helpless

embarrassed

rejected

abandoned.

When I accept my worth as given by God,

(Creator, the Universe)

I am free from the struggle of earning worth!

Then I may choose to do something

WORTHWHILE.

I am free to live into my soul mission!

* * *

Every family is dysfunctional

in some way.

None of us had perfect parents.

Most parents try to be better at parenting

than they perceived their own parents to be.

Even if we had perfect parents and a perfect childhood, the adults in our life have no control over our interpretation of our experience! The problem is that we have very limited understanding and language to bring to early interpretations. I was 14 months old when my sister Marilyn was born. I interpreted her arrival in my life as proof that, “Something is wrong with me because they got a new baby!” There was something wrong with me! I found out years later that I had the measles. Lucky for Marilyn and Mom, I was with my grandparents and Uncle Harry while they were in the hospital. Marilyn came into the family of three and believed I was her “Little Mommy!”

As infants we believe the world revolves around us and it should.

We cannot survive on our own and desperately need constant attention and support. As we grow and develop knowledge of the world around us, we become aware of others and realize they need nurture and love as well. We become socialized. We learn the importance of balancing our own needs with being there for others.

We all need to recover from childhood!

Like everyone else, I have been wounded by life and by my interpretations of my experience. It is up to me to become aware of how I have been wounded, understand how I live out my personal trauma, get help with healing, and learn to LET IT GO.

Some people call this FORGIVENESS.

* * *

BAD THINGS HAPPEN

Asking, “Why?” or “Why me?” is a waste of time. Blaming God is a waste of time. Blaming others is a waste of time. Blaming yourself is a waste of time. However, we do need to take responsibility for our own behavior if we did in fact contribute to the problem.

We need to be asking:

“What now?”

“What do I need to do to take care of myself?”

“What do I need to do now to be there for those I love and care about?”

Others may tell you:

“Everything happens for a reason.”

As if to say, “God made this happen because He wants you to learn a lesson about life.” That is not helpful because you find yourself asking,”What is wrong with me that God had to bring this tragedy into my life?”

The truth is, “Stuff happens.”

I believe God grieves, too. This is when I need to call on God to give me the strength to face a harsh reality, take appropriate action, get the help I need, and live into recovery one day at a time. If I cannot change the way things are, I owe it to myself to BE AT PEACE with what is. DO NOT EXPECT TO GET OVER GRIEF AND LOSS. The best we can hope for is learning to live with the grief and the loss at the same time we learn to be present to the moment and all that life brings to us. Everyone of us will encounter situations where our only choice is to choose our attitude.

Everything that happens is an opportunity for growth!

* * *

EVERYONE HAS A SHADOW SIDE

It is easy to see another person's shadow side.

Yet, we are blind to our own.

Sometimes, the inner voice we hear

is the voice of our DARK side.

Learn to discern the difference.

I need to be aware of my own SHADOW,

then empower myself by consciously choosing

to manage my behavior

appropriately.

I will serve myself best

if I am open to learning something about myself and what I may need to change

in order to be a better person, partner, parent and friend.

It is not possible to live in community with or in an intimate relationship with another person without encountering their SHADOW SIDE. Understand that we are all made up of many parts; there are be many voices serving on our internal Board of Directors. Understand that all you love and appreciate about the other person is still there. He/She is learning to live with your SHADOW SIDE as well! Under ordinary conditions, this awareness calls for understanding, patience and loving responses. In some situations, the SHADOW SIDE may be so DARK that one needs to leave the current environment or the relationship and seek professional help in order to be safe and protect those in your care.

* * *

I serve myself and others best

when I am straightforward and honest

in my communications

(not rude and crude)

USE "I" MESSAGES

EXAMPLE: "When you avoid eye contact with me,

I feel sad and hurt because

you seem so far away

and I want us to connect at a meaningful level."

I AM THE ONE AND ONLY AUTHORITY ON WHAT I MEAN

WHEN I EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

Learn to say:

“If you have taken something I said personally,

please check with me to find out if you have interpreted my statements accurately.”

I owe it to myself and others

to CHECK OUT my interpretations.

Like most everyone else, I tend to quickly assume that

you are unhappy with me or critical of me

and my feelings are hurt.

MY INTERPRETATION BECOMES MY REALITY

THEREFORE:

I will CHECK OUT my interpretations of what you said or did

to avoid MISINTERPRETATION

and MISUNDERSTANDING

When I find myself thinking

"Once again, I am not enough

not good enough

something is wrong with me

I never get it right

I'm no good

I'm stupid, fat, ugly

What is wrong with me?”

I need to CHECK OUT MY INTERPRETATION

EXAMPLE: I heard you say, "I had a lousy weekend."

and I interpreted that to mean you had a lousy weekend

because I've been sick and couldn't go with you to the concert.”

EXAMPLE: “ I saw you leave the room when I joined the group.

You didn't even make eye contact with me! I think that means you

are so upset with me that you can't stand to be in the same room with me. Is that what happened?”

Let the other person be the authority regarding his or her intentions.

They may say, "You are absolutely right!"

If they do, the two of you have something to talk about.

See that as an opportunity for individual or relationship growth.

However, you may hear something like: "I had a lousy weekend because I couldn't stop worrying about the mess I would have to deal with when I got to work on Monday."

Or: "I had a lousy weekend because I knew I should have been studying

and then I felt guilty and beat myself up for not getting something accomplished."

Or: 'I didn't make eye contact with you because I realized that I did not follow up on my part of our group project and I knew you would ask me about it. I wanted to avoid you because I knew you were going to be upset with me."

If I have inaccurately interpreted the other person’s behavior and their words, I will serve myself best if I use the situation to ask for more information. Even though I find it risky, even scary to check out my interpretation, I owe it to myself and her/him to do so.

It could be that he or she will deny what they are really thinking and feeling. You'll hear something like, "Oh, you're wrong. I'm not upset with you." You serve yourself best if you respond with,

"I'm really happy to hear that everything is okay. I'm so glad I checked out my interpretation. If there is a problem, please talk to me about it so we don't let a misunderstanding get in the way of a good relationship." Then, act as if what they said is true because it may be. If he/she has been deliberately deceiving, they have obligated themselves to act as if they were responding honestly.

That is their responsibility. You have done your part to keep communication open and honest.

* * *

Some of us are so sensitive to the emotional environment that we assume everyone’s happiness depends on us and our behavior. Our very nature will set us up for a lifetime as a ‘care giver.’ We become easy prey for those who never grew out of their need for the world to revolve around them. We truly believe, “If he/she is angry or unhappy, it must be my fault.”

It could be that I need to ask,

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?"

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?"

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?"

* * *

NO ONE PERSON CAN BE EVERYTHING I NEED IN A MOM, DAD, SIBLING, TEACHER, FRIEND, OR PARTNER!

I cannot decide what you will do.

I can only decide what I will do.

I cannot change anyone else,

I can only change myself

I am here to live my life,

not yours

I need to know my boundaries,

honor them, accept and respect yours.

My intention is to love and accept you as you are,

appreciate what you bring to my life

and delight in the time we have together.

(To be continued)

APPENDIX A

Underlying my experience of life is the knowledge of an invisible world. The world of Spirit, Angels, Guides, and Inner Wisdom at work in me. It is as if I live in a dual reality. I believe I have always known of this alternate reality. However, I remember a few experiences which confirm it for me.

I was three years old when I went to the Viola, Illinois Methodist Church with Grandma and Grandpa Peterson. I was staying with them over the weekend. There had been some discussion with my parents about whether or not it would be appropriate for me to go with them to Church. I didn’t know what ‘church’ was but I was excited. I had been in on a few conversations with my parents about God and Jesus, probably in preparation for my adventure. My Grandparents came to Davenport on a Friday and took me back to Viola with them. Mom and Daddy and the girls would come and pick me up on Sunday afternoon. It was only 32 miles but took about an hour in our ’37 Hudson. During World War II, gas was rationed and visits to family in Illinois were few and far between.

The church was a white, frame building with a bell tower built over the entrance and a cross at the top; larger than most houses in this little Western Illinois town but not big like brick church buildings I had seen in Davenport. I was disappointed at first when we went into a fairly small room with hardwood floors, a couple of windows with no curtains and a circle of big wooden chairs. “Is this church?” I wondered. Grandma explained that we were going to Sunday School first because Grandpa was going to teach the lesson for the day. Someone brought a child-size chair into the room and placed it beside Grandma. I sat in that circle of adults and listened intently to the lesson and discussion. Then I sat between them in the wooden church pew, left of the center aisle in the sanctuary which had an altar, a pulpit and stained glass windows. It seemed a wonderful new world of music and sermon and prayer; yet familiar in some mysterious way. I knew that it was all very important, profound even. Of course, I did not have the language to describe the experience that way at the time, but remember a feeling of being lifted into something very special. It was a feeling which stayed with me and I longed to go back again and again.

It wasn’t until Margie was old enough to go into a Sunday School class without a parent, that the three of us began attending Newcomb Presbyterian Church in Northwest Davenport. It was the Protestant church closest to home and fairly small compared to the huge Methodist Church downtown. We learned to feel comfortable there though we were pretty much on our own. Daddy drove us to church for Sunday School and picked us up an hour later. Eventually, that was extended to two hours when we started going to the Sunday Service as well.

I was quite serious about my participation; so serious that I was given the responsibility of gathering the offering donated by each class, counting the money and recording attendance each Sunday. I felt it was an honor to be chosen for such responsibility but also felt jealous of Marilyn and Margie who could sit in Mrs. Ice’s Sunday School class and learn about religious history and lessons from the Bible. I usually finished with my job in time to get in on just a few minutes of discussion. I knew I was missing out on something meaningful. A few years later, I was asked to teach classes for the young children. Again, I felt honored and said “’yes,” when I really wanted to be in the class with the other High School students.

At the appropriate age, I went through Membership classes with Reverend John Koning. He insisted on us sitting in the first or second pew for church and required the five of us in the membership class to take notes on his sermons. As Easter approached, I was quizzed by the Elders to determine if I was worthy of becoming a member. On Maundy Thursday I was baptized and accepted into membership. The congregation sang “Just as I am, without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me.” I hoped for something dramatic to happen like it did for Jesus when he was baptized by John. However, I learned to be content with the ceremony and the reception which followed.

I read the Bible daily and prayed and sometimes remembered to start the day by asking God, “What do you want from me today?” as instructed by Rev. Koning. The significance of this practice was established for me one day in 10th grade. I heard a voice in response to my question. Not out loud, but from the left side of my head saying, “Go to the Prayer and Devotions meeting before school today.” I attended this once a week event on occasion but had neglected to go in recent weeks, preferring to visit with friends as we waited for class to star. I went that day as instructed. Ministers from various congregations shared the responsibility for leading this morning worship service and that day, the leader was Reverend Koning! I was the only youth from our church to show up! Some Wisdom at work in me knew I needed to be there and that I needed to learn to listen and follow through if I was intentional about my life as a Christian. I was 16 years old when I went to a Billy Graham Revival at the Masonic Temple and found myself on the stage of the auditorium, with others responding to the altar call.