A THOUSAND PIECE PUZZLE

Forty years of therapy and the last few pieces fall in place. I tap my way out of the trauma, releasing the energy trapped in bondage to an impossible task--that of releasing an emotionally unavailable person from her own bondage so she becomes emotionally available to me!

As if I had to train and teach my own teacher!

As if my own emotions acquire validity only when and if

recognized and verbalized and accepted by some significant other.

Something she does not know how to do because emotion was never encouraged, allowed or accepted in her.

The Rule learned from her Swedish parent was:

"Do not allow anyone to know what you are feeling!

Don't tell! Don't acknowledge!

Better yet, Don't feel!"

Denial works best.

Then emotion is neatly tucked away in some deep

and secret place where only the body knows.

Stored forever in cells which harden in time--

forming an armor around the heart and lungs,

freezing joints into a life of immobility.

"Don't breathe!" becomes the new rule

(Well, just enough to survive but not deeply enough

to expand the lungs and fill the body

from head to toe with life giving

restorative oxygen and energy.)

"Do not disturb the armor!"

You might cry. You might whimper,

you might collapse into despair

like the unattached infant living inside.

She learned long ago,

"Don't need or want a thing.

Take care of Mommy first, if you hope to live!

Don't move! Don't disturb! Don't demand!"

Create the appearance of normality.

Create the appearance of perfection.

Isn't that what we are here for, after all?

Yet, life lived fully embraces every emotion.

Life lived fully is integral to the development of one's humanity.

Live into every moment with permission to experience

the full range of emotion.

How else does one learn resilience?

How else does one learn to love and be loved?

April 2014