CO-DEPENDENCE: AWARENESS AND RECOVERY

A client came to me for help with her problem of being a co-dependent and in a relationship with an alcoholic. This was in the mid 1980's and I had never heard the term she was using to describe her own behavior. She explained that her problem behavior had to do with her believing it was her job to control his drinking. Her life revolved around him and her attempts to please him. take care of him, share his activities, watch his TV programs, prepare food he liked, even drink with him if it gave her an advantage in managing his use of alcohol. It wasn't working and she realized she had no life of her own!

A few days later, I read about a one day workshop offered at Southeast Community College on this very topic. I quickly signed up and looked forward to adding to my knowledge base as a psychotherapist. The day came and I needed to be on site at 8:30 a,m. to register for the 9:00 a.m. workshop. It was one of those days when everything seemed to interfere with getting out the door. There were phone calls and problems with the dogs. Then as I walked past the lower level laundry room on my was to the garage a I heard a loud crashing sound as two plate glass cupboard doors fell from a high shelf onto the washer and drier and shattered into a thousand pieces!

"It feels like the Universe is out to make sure I don't get to this training event." I said to myself. "I am already late! Maybe I should just forget the workshop, stay home and clean up this disaster. It isn't as if this workshop is going to change my life!" But I had already paid for the workshop and the Continuing Education credits and the mess would still be there when I got home in the afternoon.

I arrived late, missed introductions and the initial presentation about concepts to be taught. I was a bit shaken by the crash. Those two pieces of plate glass had been securely placed on that shelf when we moved into the house a few years earlier. Nothing had happened to dislodge them!

After lunch, the presenter asked for a few volunteers to help her with a demonstration. I always learn more when I am actually experiencing the technique being taught. So I ended up on state with her and two other people. We were each asked to respond to the following question: If money were no issue and you could have anything you wanted (assuming loved ones were safe and healthy and basic needs were net) what would you ask for? Without hesitation, I said "Ten days in London every six months." Then I had to explain my choice. Why would I choose that? It did not take long for me to answer with, "When we are out of the country, I only have to take care of my husband and myself!" I wanted a vacation from my role as caretaker and that only happened when I was far removed from family, friends and work! I was a Co-Dependent!

Though alcohol was not an issue in my family of origin or creation, I perceived myself as responsible for Mon's happiness and Daddy's anger. That small world quickly grew to include siblings, extended family, the school and work environment, my husband and our family. I had no idea what I wanted or needed for myself, I just wanted everyone else to be happy and content.

That workshop did change my life starting with a gradual awareness of how co-dependence extended into every area of my life! People were reading the book WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH and asking if I would consider leading a group for people who wanted to work on the co-dependent behaviors discussed in the book. At one point, I had four groups meeting weekly; three women's groups and one for men. Individual clients were struggling with the same issues and I became a local expert in Co-Dependence and Recovery. I began to use writing as a way to process my own awareness and to work through issues clients brought to group and individual sessions. I wrote everything in first person to protect my clients privacy and my own. The behaviors are so universal. If you are Co-Dependent, you will see yourself in what I write. When I read at workshops aimed at those in Recovery, I hear people say things like, "You must have been reading from my journal!" or "How did you know how I was feeling?" If you are not Co-Dependent, none of this will make sense to you. So I ask for your compassionate understanding and patience with those who struggle to escape the powerful grip of this need to be there for or control others at the expense of taking care of themselves.